Back to School – But Let’s Rewrite the Curriculum
By Jordan Arnold
September signals the end of summer and the return of routine, but columnist Jordan Arnold argues it’s not just kids who deserve lessons. From mortgage maths to the science of hangovers, here’s her take on the subjects we really should have been taught at school.
Looking Back at Schooldays
September arrives, the flip-flops go back in the wardrobe, and the kids head out in new uniforms. For parents, it’s both a relief and a reminder of our own schooldays – the things we endured, the lessons we remember, and the knowledge that hasn’t exactly translated into everyday life.
Much of what we were taught feels distant and irrelevant as adults. Who really uses Pythagoras daily? Instead, Jordan suggests a few subjects that would actually have come in handy.
Maths
Forget algebra and Pi – what we needed were classes like:
- Understanding Your Payslip
- How to Work Out Who Owes What on a Dinner Bill
- Mortgage Maths 101
Because let’s face it, calculating compound interest would’ve been more useful than trigonometry.
English
Haikus may be beautiful, but in real life, we could have used:
- How to Write an Email Without Apologising 9 Times
- Office Jargon 101
- The Origin of Circling Back
Geography
Ox-bow lakes are memorable, but how often have you spotted one? A more practical module could have been:
- Where to Go for Winter Sun
- How Google Maps Takes You to the Arse End of Nowhere
- Understanding Climate Change and What It Means for Us
History
Henry VIII’s wives may be unforgettable, but how about:
- The History of Politics for Dummies
- Why Houses Cost 600% More Than They Did in 1970
- The Origin of Low-Rise Jeans (And Why They Keep Coming Back)
Now that’s history you can use.
Science
Why didn’t we learn:
- The Science of Hangovers
- Which Cleaning Agent Actually Gets Red Wine Out of Sofas
Science should’ve been about the everyday, not just lab experiments we’ve long forgotten.
Art & Design
Strangely enough, in adulthood, sketching a bowl of fruit hasn’t been essential. But wouldn’t it have been useful to know how to:
- Paint the Walls of Your House for Less than £3000
- Create a Personal Brand Headshot
Modern Languages
Conjugating verbs is one thing, but what about the phrases we actually need on holiday?
- “Where’s the nearest rooftop bar with good cocktails?”
- “Is Instagrammable background included?”
- “Can you bring antibiotics without a prescription?”
The Real Lessons
In all seriousness, if you’re sending kids back to school, Jordan hopes the year is a good one. And for everyone else, she reminds us: we might not have mastered Pythagoras, but we’ve mastered WhatsApp, memes, and TikTok.
And that’s a curriculum all of its own.
