The Ten Commandments of Christmas
Q Radio presenter Jordan Arnold shares her hilarious guide to surviving December — from office party etiquette to festive film diplomacy — and reminds us that perfection isn’t part of the plan.
December has arrived with a bang, a flurry of glitter and fairy lights.
One minute it’s November and you’ve just about wrapped your head around the fact it’s autumn; the next you’re knee-deep in Quality Street wrappers, agreeing to yet another “quick festive catch-up” and wondering if you should just buy shares in Baileys, given how much of it you’re going through.
So, in the spirit of keeping ourselves sane while the world goes full Mariah, here are the Ten Commandments for navigating the season without losing your mind (or your dignity), according to a very wise prophet — me.
1. THOU SHALT NOT GET TOO WASTED AT THE WORK CHRISTMAS DO
A little tipsy? Fine, enjoy yourself.
Emotional speeches to the person about how they’re “basically family” to you? Less fine. Attempting to drag them onto the tables? Absolutely not.
Know thy limits.
2. THOU SHALT NOT POST THY PRESENT HAUL
Keep the “boy did good” posts and the mountain of toys spilling off the sofa on your camera roll.
Even if they’re well-meant, they can make those with less feel bad about their own Christmas.
Not everything needs to make it to Instagram, and honestly, a little mystery is good for us all.
3. THOU SHALT RELEASE THYSELF FROM FOOD GUILT
No one should ever feel guilty for eating anything — and especially not in December, when indulgence is basically festive law.
From the 1st to the 31st, calories are just a rumour.
Think of yourself as a Christmas bear preparing for hibernation.
Enjoy the cheese board, the pigs in blankets, and whatever else tickles thy fancy.
4. THOU SHALT RESPECT SECRET SANTA
Stick to the budget. No swapping your selected recipient. No passive-aggressive joke gifts.
And if in doubt, a nice candle and a bottle of prosecco suffice for 97% of the population.
5. THOU SHALT POLITELY ENGAGE IN SEASONAL SMALL TALK
Yes, everyone is cold.
Yes, everyone is busy.
Yes, there’s still loads to do before the big day.
And yes, you’ve heard these phrases a thousand times already.
Still, nodding along and saying “I know, isn’t it mad!” is the social glue that keeps us all going.
6. THOU SHALT NOT JUDGE ANYONE’S FESTIVE FILM CHOICES
If someone wants The Holiday for the fifteenth time, let them.
If someone insists Die Hard is a Christmas film, smile and move on.
This is not the hill to die on.
(Even though you and I both know The Muppet Christmas Carol is the superior choice.)
7. THOU SHALT BUY THYSELF A LITTLE SOMETHING
A treat, a trinket, a skincare set you’ll forget to use whenever makes you feel a bit sparky…
You’ve earned it.
If you can’t buy yourself a little reminder that you’ve got through another year, who will?
8. THOU SHALT NOT PLAY MONOPOLY
This is not up for debate.
Unless you enjoy family feuds, the silent treatment, and someone flipping the board in rage, choose literally any other game.
9. THOU SHALT WEAR THE RIDICULOUS JUMPER
Yes, even the one with lights.
December fashion has no rules, only vibes.
Christmas jumpers and Santa hats are a gift to humanity.
Spark up any stress when you can’t face choosing an outfit or washing your hair.
10. THOU SHALT NOT STRIVE FOR “THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS”
Your tree doesn’t need a theme.
Your wrapping paper doesn’t need to match.
Your dinner doesn’t need to look like an advert.
If you’re warm, fed and surrounded by people you like — even just one — that’s more than enough.
And finally, a bonus commandment for good measure: do not, under any circumstances, eat anything in the fridge once the Christmas Day crown has been opened unless you are given express permission. Ideally get it in writing.
Good luck, and Merry Christmas to you and your kin.
Catch you next year!
