Don’t Lose Yourself to Fit In

Executive Business Coach Joanna Denton reflects on the unspoken pressure to conform at work and in life, and why the real power lies in knowing when to play the game without forgetting who you are.

A friend was talking about her young daughter the other day: She’s got to realise that the world doesn’t need weird. She needs to learn to fit in.

And something in my chest just shattered. Because I thought about that little girl – bright, curious, full of ideas that don’t fit neat categories, loving to twirl around like no one is watching, wearing bright clashing colours and prints. She is learning at seven years old how she won’t be enough.

That she needs to manage herself to make the world comfortable.

But here’s the thing we’ve all learned this lesson somewhere along the way. Maybe not at seven. Maybe at fifteen when you stopped raising your hand because your ideas were “too much”, and your classmates sniggered behind their hands. Maybe at twenty-five when you bought your first “professional” wardrobe and left the clothes you actually liked at the back of the wardrobe. Maybe at thirty-five when you realised you’d been apologising to your partner for having opinions.

Or perhaps it was at work. When you sat silent while your boss gave the client incorrect information – again – because “picking your battles” had become not picking any battles at all. When you stopped calling out inappropriate comments from partners because you’d learned that women who speak up get labelled difficult.

When you started to edit your voice, your tone, your body language, and even your ambition.

When “fitting in” started to mean shrinking.

Somewhere along the way, most of us learned that fitting in was the price of being taken seriously.

I know I did.

Shortly after I moved to Luxembourg, during my first performance review I was told that I wore “too much pink” and whistled too much on the way to the office machine.

I have spoken about this before, but the feedback still stings, more than twenty years later. I knew that if I had been a bloke, I would never have received that feedback.

At the time I had a conversation with a mentor. She told me, “Joanna, you need to understand that there is a certain expectation in Luxembourg as to what a tax consultant looks like. What if you wore your grey suit the first time you go to meet the partner, or the client. Then you blow them out of the water with how good you are at what you do – after that, no one will care what you wear.”

At the time, I bristled. But twenty-odd years later, I realise she was teaching me something profound: how to play the game consciously.

Not a game. THE game.

Because here’s what I’ve learned after early two decades in Big 4 firms and now coaching senior leaders: the game exists whether you acknowledge it or not. The question isn’t whether to play it – it’s whether you play it consciously or let it play you.

Unconscious conformity looks like: “I guess I’m just not a pink person anymore.” (You lose yourself in the process.)

Conscious game-playing looks like: “I’m wearing grey today because it serves my bigger purpose. But I’m still the person who loves pink.” (You keep yourself while navigating the system.)

I think about a colleague from my corporate days. Back suits for years while climbing the ladder. The moment she made partner? Bright colours. Fresh flowers delivered to her office every week. She’d finally given herself permission to let her personality show.

But here’s the tragedy that I can see now: what if in pushing herself to need to wait until partner. She just thought she did. She’d forgotten she was playing a game, not becoming someone else entirely.

The Exhaustion Comes From Forgetting You Have a Choice

Because here’s what happens when you forget you’re playing a game: You don’t just wear grey suits. You start thinking grey thoughts. You stop trusting the instincts that got you this far. You become the person who says “that’s interesting” instead of “here’s what I think.” You survive, but you don’t thrive.

And here’s what you lose: the very qualities that make you brilliant. Your unconventional thinking. Your ability to see solutions others miss. The perspective that comes from being a bit different. The weird bits aren’t the problem – they’re often your competitive advantage.

The liberation isn’t pretending the game doesn’t exist. It’s remembering you have agency in how you play it.

You can choose when to show which parts of yourself. You can be strategic about where you let your “weird” flag fly. You can play the game while staying connected to who you are underneath. Because the goal isn’t just survival – it’s bringing your whole self to the work that matters.

So here’s what I want for that seven-year-old girl twirling in clashing colours

And for every senior leader reading this who recognises themselves in that corporate colleague.

I want you to remember: conformity is a tool, not an identity. Your weird is your wisdom.

You can play the game strategically while staying connected to who you are underneath. You can be deliberate about where you are, not just tolerated for what you do.

Because the world needs what you see differently.

The world might not do weird, but you don’t have to disappear.

JD Speaking and Strategy Ltd
River House, 48-60 High Street, Belfast, BT1 2BE

Tel: +44 (0)7795085297
Email: joanna@joannadenton.com
www.joannadenton.com