HEALING CAN ONLY START WHEN THERE’S CLOSURE

Love doesn’t always end in sunshine and solitaires, as migrant journalist Bero Hanan knows all too well. Forced to flee her home in the Middle East she ended up here in Northern Ireland where even through heartbreak she’s managed to find healing – and a place to call home.

 According to some scientists breaking someone’s heart is no less heinous a crime than killing them.

The scientific proof, they say, lies in what’s known as ‘Broken Heart Syndrome’ which causes organic heart failure.

Yet often all that’s needed to heal and atone for this crime are words – but they must be honest words.

Some experts even believe that the pain of even divorce or separation from a loved one is like the pain of losing them through death.

In fact, some consider it worse because losing someone through death only kills the future with them, while losing someone due to lack of trust kills the past too so you doubt everything that went before and is still to come.

Despite all this, many of us still prefer to avoid confronting someone we have hurt because we cannot bear to see the suffering we’ve caused.

Instead we run away carrying our feelings of guilt. At best we might ask that person for forgiveness hoping that everything will end without discussion.

Psychological studies though show while you can forget the person who hurt you within six to eight weeks, it can take seven years to forget the feeling of that pain.

 In an experience I recently went through, I discovered that it’s not only the rejection from someone you love which causes the pain but also the chance to talk. My own situation could have ended in emotional trauma but thankfully down to sincere empathy and emotional responsibility my partner and I avoided that.

We had been living together. It wasn’t perfect but as far as I understood it we loved each other.

However, over time tensions had built and one day after a huge argument I left the house to stay with a friend and get some time to think.

After a week my partner and I finally talked and actually managed to settle our differences. I agreed to return.

But as I unpacked my things again in the bedroom I noticed a long hair – obviously not mine – on my pillow. I froze. Then I saw more on the sheets, then in the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen.

I felt sheer panic come over me but I managed to control it with coping mechanisms I’ve learned over the years. Instead I waited for my partner to come home and explain.

He called before he came home to ask if I was ok. I said I was. I didn’t want to discuss all this over the phone for I wanted to be able to look into his eyes as he spoke to me.

However, by the time he got home he’d already decided to lie. He claimed the hair belonged to his friend’s wife and said his friend would verify that.

I told him I wanted to speak to this woman to ask her why she’d left our home in such a mess and why she hadn’t bothered to clean up after herself.

This went on for an hour until finally I broke down. I’d no real proof but like any woman with the man she loves, I knew he was lying.

I told him I would never forget the hurt he’d caused me that night.

 My partner though is a good man. He knew that pain like this is harder to recover from when things are left open-ended like this. Healing can only start to happen when there’s closure.

So in the end he admitted the betrayal and told me the truth. He said he didn’t want me to suffer for years because of a ‘despicable man’ like him.

He said he’d  lied because he was ‘selfish’ . Through tears  he told me he didn’t want to lose me because of a stupid mistake he couldn’t even justify.  

In the end though we did break up though actually it wasn’t because of the betrayal as much as the other problems.

But to be honest I don’t remember ever loving him more than that day. I admired his courage in letting go of his pride and admitting what he did despite feeling ashamed.

He showed tremendous sense of responsibility and selflessness and managed to transform a devastating wound into a mere mistake.

So many people have experienced similar heartbreak – or perhaps caused it –  so do you think it might be worth talking to the person who hurt you – or the one you hurt.  And if they refuse does it mean you’ll never recover?

Not according to science as psychology confirms that the person who refuses to confront the situation you’re both in and talk to you in fact carries more pain that you.

So in fact you’re finding peace again could be quicker than theirs.

If then we can be mindful of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours perhaps even painful experiences might become a source of growth, maturity and awareness.