“You don’t have kids, you wouldn’t understand”
Local Women columnist and expert business coach Joanna Denton on how to fight back against ‘the parent trap’ and assert yourself in a workplace that assumes your time isn’t important.
A comment I’ve heard more times than I can count. Sometimes it’s said with exhaustion, sometimes with frustration, sometimes just as a passing remark. But the underlying message is always the same: You don’t get it. You don’t know what real pressure feels like. Your time is yours. Your life is easier.
And here’s the thing – I don’t understand what it’s like to juggle work, childcare, and family responsibilities. I don’t pretend to. The pressures working mothers face are immense. And I have nothing but respect for them.
But here’s also the thing: just because my challenges look different, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
Because the reality is, many high-achieving women (and – let me put it out there – men) without children face an entirely different kind of pressure. Because pressure is always seen as available. The pressure of people assuming that because you don’t have a baby to care for, you must have endless time, energy and resources. And perhaps most frustratingly, the quiet invalidation of your struggles – like they don’t quite “count” in the same way.
And then there’s the pressure to be independent – not because you actively choose it, but because everyone assumes you don’t need support. It’s not just that people believe you can do everything on your own – it’s that they expect you to. And over time, that expectation becomes something you internalise. It becomes harder to ask for help. Because somewhere along the way, you started believing that you shouldn’t need to.
I heard it all the time when I worked in corporate. The assumption that I could be the one to pick up the slack, take the last-minute trip, or adjust my schedule because I wasn’t going home to a family. And I still hear it now – echoed in conversations with my clients – high-achieving women who have contorted themselves to their work, only to find that their time is somehow seen as more negotiable.
THE HIDDEN RULES WE DON’T TALK ABOUT
Here’s what I know to be true: many of the high-achieving women I work with didn’t set the course work over calmly.
Some assumed they “should have it all” – until life, relationships, health, or circumstances took them in a different direction. Some tried for children and couldn’t. Some made a conscious choice not to become a mum, but that doesn’t get them opted into a life of unlimited time and ease. And yet, we’re just riddled with hidden rules. Rules that say:
- If you don’t have kids, your time is always up for negotiation.
- If you don’t have kids, you shouldn’t need help – you’ve got it easy.
- If you don’t have kids, you must be independent and self-sufficient at all times.
These rules aren’t written down anywhere, but they shape the way we experience the world. They show up in workplace dynamics, in family conversations, in the way people assume we can “drop everything” because we don’t have external obligations they can see.
And what happens when we internalise these rules?
We don’t ask for help. We convince ourselves we shouldn’t need it. We hesitate to say we’re overwhelmed because we worry we’ll be met with, “But you don’t have kids! What could be so hard?”
WHERE THIS HOLDS US BACK
It’s not just about asking for help with the big things. It’s also about the small, daily ways we deny ourselves support:
- Household Help – We feel guilty outsourcing cleaning, meal prep, or errands because surely we have time for that, right?
- Emotional Support – We hesitate to reach out when we’re struggling because shouldn’t we be able to handle this ourselves?
- Social Connection – We feel awkward asking for company because doesn’t independence mean we should be fine on our own?
- Professional Support – We don’t advocate for mentorship or help in business because shouldn’t we be able to figure it out?
And yet, the women who do have children – the ones whose time is seen as more constrained – often have stronger support networks. They’ve had to ask for help. I’m not saying that it has been easy for them – they have their own baggage.
But more often than not, they’ve had to build structures of support around them. And sometimes we single, childfree women have convinced ourselves we didn’t need to do the same.
REWRITING THE RULES & TAKING BACK OWNERSHIP
Here’s the truth: asking for help isn’t weakness – it’s strategy. The most successful people – parents or not – lean on others. They set schedules. They ask. They accept support. They refuse to equate self-sufficiency with self-sacrifice.
SO, LET’S REWRITE THE RULES:
Instead of “I should be able to do it all,” try:
“I am allowed to receive support.”
Instead of “I don’t have kids, so I don’t need help,” try “My needs are valid, even if they look different from others’.”
Instead of “What will people think?” try:
“What will happen if I keep burning myself out?”
YOUR PERMISSION SLIP
If any part of this article resonated, consider this your permission slip to ask for what you need. Whether it’s a cleaner, a coach, a conversation, or just a break. You don’t have to justify it. You don’t have to prove you deserve it.
You already do.
JD SPEAKING AND STRATEGY LTD.
RIVER HOUSE, 48-60 HIGH STREET, BELFAST, BT1 2BE
TEL: +44 (0)7795085297 | EMAIL: JOANNA@JOANNADENTON.COM | WWW.JOANNADENTON.COM
4o
