Why Kate Middleton’s Hair Got Me Thinking About Ego
When judgement shows up, it’s rarely about them – it’s about us. Leadership coach Joanna Denton on how to choose compassion over judgement.
When Judgement Sneaks In
Hey there,
Here’s the truth: judgement is often ego in disguise.
The other week, our lovely editor Kim Kelly invited me onto the Local Woman podcast. We covered a range of topics – romance scams, the so-called “sandwich generation” – and then we came to the last question:
“Why do we all think about Kate Middleton’s hair?”
My first thought? Seriously? This is the question?
The voice inside my head went: I’m not sure what I’d say but I do know I ended up feeling I had to say something intellectual … but seriously?!
Later, on reflection, I realised my reaction had very little to do with Kate’s hair – or even whether the question was suitable for a Local Woman podcast. Instead, it had everything to do with me.
When Kim first raised the topic, I didn’t feel qualified to answer. I mean – what do I know about hair products and styles… I mean, my own hair only looks presentable once a month and that’s when I’ve just been to the salon. The rest of the time it’s more along the lines of hedge … dragged backwards.
And so ego slipped in, setting up its favourite defence mechanism: judgement.
I was so worried that Kim was expecting me to say something intelligent about something I knew nothing about – that my defence was to go all judgy.
And isn’t that so often the way?
Why We React the Way We Do
When we’re triggered, it’s rarely because of what’s right in front of us.
- We get irritated by someone’s “silly” comment.
- We bristle at being asked something unexpected.
- We roll our eyes at another person’s choices.
There are so many reasons why we react to situations this way.
And one of those reasons is that underneath, our ego is whispering: Don’t get it wrong. Don’t let them see you slip. Don’t let them see you are not enough.
The sneaky part? We don’t always notice it.
It can be in the boardroom when you don’t speak up because you fear someone might “shout you out” for rocking the boat.
It can be when you miss a call from the doctor and try to get back on the phone but the receptionist has a go because you didn’t answer the phone.
It can be on a podcast when the topic feels out of your lane.
Remember This
Here’s what I want you to remember today:
- Judgement is often self-protection. It’s not the truth, it’s ego trying to keep you safe.
- Awareness is everything. Simply noticing “Ah, that’s my ego talking” loosens its grip.
- Compassion trumps critique. You don’t need to beat yourself up for being judgy. It’s human. And you’ve already enough.
3 Ways to Soften When Ego Shows Up
Because it will. (It’s human. That’s the point.)
- Pause and Name It
Instead of spiralling into self-critique, simply say: “That’s ego.” This simple act creates space between you and the reaction. - Get Curious About the Trigger
Ask yourself: “What am I protecting here? Where do I feel ‘not enough’?” Curiosity diffuses judgement faster than shame ever will. - Choose Compassion Over Criticism
You wouldn’t scold a friend for being human – don’t do it to yourself. Breathe. Smile. Move on.
Journaling Questions
You know me and my love of journaling … here are your go-tos this month:
- When have I noticed myself feeling judgy this week?
- What was I really afraid of in that moment?
- How could I respond with compassion instead of criticism next time?
Final Thought
Here’s what I talked about today: judgement often hooks us when it shows up, not the other person.
Awareness – naming ego when it shows – takes away its power.
Compassion keeps you grounded in the truth: you are already enough.
So next time your ego pipes up, whether about hair or something much bigger, pause. Notice. Choose compassion.
And if all else fails? Let’s just agree – Kate’s hair does always look fabulous.
📍 JD Speaking and Strategy Ltd, River House, 48-60 High Street, Belfast, BT1 2BE
📞 Tel: +44 (0)7795085297
📧 Email: joanna@joannadenton.com
🌐 www.joannadenton.com
